COM Newsletter - December 2023
KISS THE COOK
“Relationships form our identity”. As I was contemplating my past and its effect on my present, including the relationships that I have engaged in over the years of life, that phrase really stopped me in my tracks. Many friends have died and equally more have moved on in their lives; some without much notice and others with deep anguish and confusion. With some I wondered, “what did I do” to cause them to stop communicating? Going into the LGBTQ+ identity in the 1980’s, many feared that every gay person had AIDS, a disease that at that time didn’t even have a name. My disco friends began to thin out as they were dropping like flies, their names never mentioned again. The reality of AIDS didn’t align with the party scene and the hook-up culture I had been immersed in.
At first, I disagreed with the idea that “Relationships form our identity” and applied its application only towards relationships that were good and noble. While I could see its influence, I didn’t see that it shaped identity. My friend was respectful as I argued my point, but I then started to see that there were indeed other angles I hadn’t considered. Even negative relationships can and do form identity. The Lord showed me how my relationship with my parents was formative to me as a little child, even by the age of four. My father’s absence and his verbal and physical abuse left me with a lifelong rejection of him as a “safe” person and as an example of desirable masculine identity. My mother, on the other hand was absorbed with 4 children while her husband was in the military and struggled to keep up with the demand of 4 births in 4 years to say the least. Their marriage lasted only 12 years, but what a lasting effect that relationship had on me and my sisters!
Today I listen to the stories of parents anguishing over their children’s choices to walk away from the Savior and the religion they were raised with, abandoning their principles to express their passions and find satisfaction in the arms of sin rather than the Savior they heard of in their youth. How could they do such a thing? But what might be the responsibility of the parent and their example? Sadly, even Christian homes are not always safe places that offer peace, love, and compassion. It’s the reality of the world we live in. What chance do we have with broken homes and stepparents or no parents? What about the lack of healthy fathers to give belonging and identity to a child that is desperately in need? On the other hand, what about the fact that Lucifer chose to sin even in the perfect home? It boggles the mind to try to figure out what compels our children to leave the safety of the fenced in yard to be tempted and led away by the snake that lures them from a healthy home. The home was designed to be a solace, a haven of love and compassion. What brings them to venture into the jungle of unknown sensual and hedonistic gratification?
My home gave mixed messages. I recall being a little boy sitting around the table on a Sunday morning with my mom in the kitchen making pancakes or eggs, and my sisters and I having senseless conversations. I remember so vividly the rare occasion when my dad came through the room grabbing my mother from behind, swinging her around and then kissing her in front of all four of us. The shock caused my mother to scream but immediately she swooned. My sisters and I just squealed with delight; our world was perfect! While my father danced with my mom in the kitchen, the only music we heard was my father’s hum as he twirled my mother with a spatula in her hand.
You see, they were halves of my whole. For me to be at peace, I needed them both to be well and connected. I needed my human creators to be in “oneness” so that I was complete. Their relationship formed my identity! When mom and dad were joyful and not divided, I knew who I was, and I was happy and content no matter what came our way. I felt valued and secure but unfortunately that only lasted a few years. Dad had affairs, my mother felt helpless and that affected her performance in the home. When dad left for another woman, I was glad he was gone because of the detachment in the formative years. But my sisters cried out, “No daddy no! Please don’t leave!” when he announced that he was getting divorced. We all realized that our home was not going to be the same ever again. Then came vacations with my dad and his new wife and the men that came in and out of our home while living with mom in a low-income housing project in Detroit, Michigan. We were now uncovered, unprotected, vulnerable and without direction. We were consumed with trying to keep our atmosphere intact, trying to sort out the tangled web- even running out of someone’s house at gunpoint because a drunk friend of my mother’s was threatening to put a bullet in the back of our heads. We had no time to focus on school or to develop healthy characters. We were trying to survive.
What about the homes of good Christians that go to church every week? Are the principles of religion being lived out in the home? Is one parent in and another out? Do the children get mixed messages about how the family lives? Does the home life contradict how they act in church? If mom and dad aren’t united and if they aren’t feasting on the goodness or their Creator who joined them, how can they effectively prepare their children to know how to have a relationship with God? Can a parent ask for forgiveness from the children when their humanity comes out? That was missing in my home as I would find my father’s pornography while cleaning his office. At the same time as he was head elder of the church, his behavior at home was rarely Christian. As he would yell every week to get in the car for church, four teens would frantically try to get ready amid screams and threats. As we got closer to church, he would attempt to liven us up by trying to tickle us and get us to look like a happy family. We saw his example. We learned from it. I’m relearning that apologizing doesn't make you weak, it just shows that you are human. If my father would have apologized just a few times, it would have shown me the grace that Jesus has for us, and it would have endeared me to my father instead of seeing him as a fraud.
What is the atmosphere in your home? Do your children have open access to you? Are they free to ask difficult questions? Or do you shew them away and tell them that their thoughts are disgusting and that they should be ashamed for asking such a question. Unfortunately, there are plenty of sources willing to answer those difficult questions; kids at school, social media. What source would you rather your children learn from? Shall your children get their information from you and in a biblical setting rather than a stalker on Facebook?
Struggling with transgender ideation and same sex attraction, I knew that my parents would not understand me. I feared they would judge me and that I would disappoint them. I didn’t have the freedom to tell them what was on my mind and conformity was demanded rather than reason. I obeyed not because I loved them, but because I feared them. I learned to do the same with God who also calls Himself Father. They taught me well.
Speaking of social media and the outside influences: who is occupying your children’s minds at your expense? You pay the Wi-Fi bill and send them to their room. A father was curious as to why his daughter who participates in daily family worship, hung a gay pride flag in her room and bought her boyfriend a dress. So, I asked him if she had unlimited access to the internet. He said “Yes, I trust my daughter to make good decisions while she is on her computer.” But even many fifty year old men don’t have the ability to choose wisely what they look at and are addicted to internet porn. Defenseless children are being stalked by perpetrators who spend their free time looking for vulnerable teens. I highly recommend every parent or guardian watch: Social Media Dangers Documentary — Childhood 2.0
God knew what He was doing when He established the family in Genesis. The family order; father, mother, sons, and daughters were all part of the perfect plan. It is so complete that it not only represents the “image of God” but also gives our precious children the ability to feel whole and to know that they are loved and cared for. Anything less than the ideal not only misrepresents the image of God but it also leaves our children without any structure or example on how to maneuver in this world. Every possible new definition of family will never fulfill the image that God desires for His created loved ones and the ones He desires to save.
Please take some time to mediate and pray about your family. Ask God to show you if there is room for improvement, starting with the you. Are the principles you express in church the same principles you live out at home? Do you do it as a demonstration of your love for Jesus Christ or do you do it begrudgingly and only when people are looking? The children are watching, and they are rooting for you. Jesus wants your witness, and your children need it. It doesn’t mean we won’t have death or divorce, but if we recognize our frailty and run to Jesus to ask for His power and the Holy Spirit, imagine the three-fold power of God that is waiting and willing to help you to restore your Christian home to something that will not only reflect the principles but also show your children how to love Jesus in return and also how to have an intimate connection with Him. Blessings to all who read this.
A NEW HOME FOR
‘COMING OUT’ MINISTRIES
PROJECT
Q&A
Question: I’m being tempted where I work. My boss has been giving me signs that he's attracted to me. I’ve been ignoring them and even show my displeasure. I have also been keeping a distance from him. But now I’m feeling like I’m very drawn to him, even getting jealous. So I have decided to quit my job in order to remove myself from this temptation as in Matthew 5:29, 30. My question is, should I just quit? Run from it? Or do I really need to face it? I know that I can’t run forever, but I really don’t want to fall into sin. Thanks.
Reply: The secret to overcoming this temptation is not in quitting your job, because Satan will follow you with more temptation at another job location. It is true that if you are leaving behind a gay lifestyle that it is helpful to relocate, if possible, to new surroundings and to create a new circle of friends—straight ones, Christian ones. However, if you are wanting to resist temptation, you need to build up strength, primarily through “bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). This you can do, for all Christ’s biddings are enablings. If God says to do it, there is supplied grace to follow through.
He promises, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weak-ness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Grace is defined as that divine influence working upon the heart and reflecting in the life. Grace is nothing less than omnipotent, divine power.
Another tip from King David himself is this, “Thy word have I hid in mine heart that I might not sin against Thee” (Psalms 119:11). So build up your strength and resistance to temptation by filling your mind with the exceeding great and precious promises of God, many of which you will find in the final chapter of this book as “A Rainbow of Promises.” Choose what you will think about, flip the switch, change the channel, turn the page, turn your head, or change the subject. “Submit [yourself] therefore to God [day by day, and moment by moment, if necessary]. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7). In your behavior and deportment, do not give your boss any “come-ons” or invitations. Give him no reason to believe that he can have his way with you.
Now, if these steps do not alleviate the problem you face, then you might consider leaving your job and seeking employment elsewhere. I do understand that as he is your boss this does create a very difficult situation. Pray that the Lord will give you wisdom and good judgment to make the right decisions at the right times. Remember that Joseph was in a similar situation with the wife of his boss Potiphar. He did flee from his duties rather than yield to sin with her. His reaction, if implemented, will bring you great strength as well: “How can I do this great wickedness, and sin against [my] God?” (Genesis 39:9).
Grace to you, my friend!
Victor
Q&A text taken from:
Author: “Victor J. Adamson”
(Ron Woolsey)
TESTIMONY
My name is Matthew, and I have recently transitioned away from the LGBTQ+ lifestyle. My journey has been marked by a prolonged struggle with same-sex attraction, originating from instances of sexual assault during my formative years around the age of 9. The persistence of these traumatic experiences became normalized due to the perpetrator's threats against my family, thereby instilling in me a sense of obligation.
The aftermath of these events left me burdened with profound guilt and shame, as I grappled with questions surrounding my own reactions and the perceived inability to intervene during those assaults. Subsequently, my disclosure of my sexual orientation without a full understanding of the term “gay” subjected me to persistent bullying throughout my childhood. Fearing further persecution and influenced by the negative portrayal of LGBTQ+ issues in both societal and religious contexts, I felt compelled to conceal my sexual orientation, fostering a strained relationship with God.
Upon entering high school, I meticulously maintained an outward appearance of normalcy, concealing my internal struggles from my peers. This facade, however, led to escalating levels of depression and anxiety, with the roots of my emotional distress becoming increasingly elusive. The severity of my struggle manifested in self-harm, a ritualized attempt to find solace from the pervasive depression.
At this juncture, I had distanced myself from God, feeling abandoned and unheard. My frustration and anger towards God stemmed from the perception that He had not answered my prayers for personal transformation. Additionally, I grappled with resentment, believing that God had created me in a way that contradicted Biblical teachings, leading me to endure undeserved suffering. However, a pivotal moment occurred during the middle of my junior year in high school when I chose to give God another chance.
Recognizing that my prayers had been misdirected for years, I shifted my approach. Instead of imploring God to change me, I asked for guidance in surrendering this aspect of myself to His will. This shift in perspective illuminated the constant misplaced attribution of blame towards God.
From that point forward, my experience with depression ceased entirely, and my anxiety significantly diminished, leading to a sense of wholeness. During this period, I embarked on a journey to establish a relationship with God, which brought about positive changes in my life. Regrettably, this did not conclude as ideally as one would hope. Persistent thoughts about potential lifelong solitude, resulting from relinquishing a homosexual lifestyle without an inclination towards heterosexuality, became a source of distress. Eventually, I found myself unable to bear the prospect and attempted to reconcile homosexuality with Christianity. In this pursuit, I engaged with distorted interpretations of scripture and manipulated “historical context” to rationalize this lifestyle.
Upon graduating from high school, I fully immersed myself in this exploration, pursuing dates with men and embracing the associated lifestyle. A crucial lesson emerged from this experience: transgressing one of God’s laws led to a cascade of Biblical and moral compromises. Consequently, I sought solace in alcohol and drugs, spiraling into a profoundly miserable existence. This downward trajectory culminated in a tragic incident in April 2023, where I became a victim of a brutal sexual assault after agreeing to go on a date with an individual I met online.
This traumatic event plunged me into the deepest depths of despair, where I felt paralyzed and overwhelmed by guilt and shame reminiscent of my previous childhood experiences. However, a turning point occurred one night when, in my desperate search for mental relief, I encountered an Instagram post by my best friend. She was the only friend I knew that embodied true Christian virtues without endorsing the lifestyle I was leading. The post’s message resonated deeply: “Nothing compares to the joy and freedom you feel after surrendering your life to Him and leaving your all in His hands.”
This post had a profound impact on me, igniting a desire for the joy and fulfillment my friend spoke of, emotions I could no longer recall experiencing. That night, I humbled myself, cried out to God, and made a sincere commitment to abandon the detrimental lifestyle I had been pursuing. I resolved to surrender it all to Him, acknowledging that only through God could I find genuine joy and fulfillment. Presently, I have completely entrusted my life to Him, experiencing true joy and fulfillment for the first time. The fear of potential lifelong solitude has dissipated, replaced by the assurance that God has a remarkable plan for my life, and my reliance is solely on Him.
Matthew Pakula
‘THE HARVEST IS TRULY
PLENTIFUL’ (3ABN TODAY)
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